cioran again

imagine my delight
imagine the bewilderment
imagine finding a passage in cioran
a paragraph in which he refers
to both
pascal
and thomas aquinas

thus i feel compelled
out of a demented desire
as if there are any other sorts
to type out in full
as a sort of existential self-imposed punishment
a paragraph

it is causing me anxiety
and i recognise my joy

the setting is the essay entitled
paleontology
wherein cioran visiting a science museum
describes his interest
in the skeletons
he finds himself envying their vacuity
their lack of flesh
and yet admiring their completeness
a completeness greater than anything he knows
and within that the essay stands
as a treatise on the pitfalls of spiritual undertakings


our spiritual level may be raised, yet we do not change
qualitatively; we remain prisoners of our limits: the
impossibility of uprooting spiritual pride is one consequence
of it - the most unfortunate one. "no creature." st. thomas
observes, "can attain a higher degree of nature without
ceasing to exist." yet if man interests us, it is precisely
for having sought to surmount his nature.
he has not managed to do so, and his inordinant efforts
were not to fail in an adulterating, in denaturing him.
this is why we do not question ourselves in his regard
without torment, without passion.
no doubt it is also more decent to commiserate
with him than with oneself
(as pascal so well understood).
in the long run, this passion becomes so tiring
that we think of nothing but means of escaping it.
neither the fatality of being oneself nor that of
being alive can compare with that of being man;
once that fatality spurs me on i reconstruct -
in order to escsape it - my promenade among
those bones which these days have been
so helpful to me
i recognize them
i cling to them
confirming me in my belief in
vacuity
they grant me a glimpse of the day
when i shall no longer have to endure
the obsession of the human -
of all shakles the most terrible.
from that we must free ourselves at all costs.
if we would be free at all
one more step must be taken-
to be free of liberty itself
to reduce it to the level of a prejudice
or a pretext in order not to have to
idolize it any longer.....
only then will we begin to learn how to act
without desire.
for this the meditation on the horrible prepares us:
to circle around the flesh
and its decrepitude
is to be intiatied into the art of
dissociating desire and act-
an operation fatal to enterprising minds
indispensable to contemplative ones.
so long as we desire we live in subjection
we are given over to the world.
once we cease to desire
we accumulate the priveleges of an object
of a god.
we no longer depend on anyone.
that desire cannot be extirpated is all too true.
yet what peace
merely to imagine being exempt from it!
a peace so unwonted that a perverse pleasure
creeps into it:
would not so suspect a sensation come down to
natures' revenge upon the man
who has made himself guilty
of aspiring to a state so unnatural?

it is difficult not to feel a sensation of
imprisonment when reading cioran
there are bars there
you can see the outside world
but it is almost impossible to go there
but the mind begins to construct a
plan for escape
but wait
i want to read a little more

i can imagine C interpreting thomas aquinas
as the most self tortured thinker of all time
someone who goes through the intricate working
out of a system of thought
in the hopes of finding a way to know truth
only in the end to dismiss it all as straw

with this there is the ongoing torture
of those who would dare to read and
understand the angelic doctor

it's a little different with pascal
pascal could be lighthearted
he could sum up his faith
with a daring little wager

what are you willing to bet on?

god exists

god does not exist

what would you be willing to lose?


in a preceding paragraph cioran refers
to st ignatius of loyala (founder of the jesuits)
which leads me to think he may have
paid some attention to the heavyweights
in the catholic spiritual tradition

in the context of attributing all good things
to god
and nothing to ourselves

i would have thought that perhaps C might have explored
ignatius' notion of indifferencias
that internal state of the soul
that is basically unemotional
when considering the temporal circumstances of life
whether one is permitted to fulfill something
or is destined to be disappointed at every turn
should make no difference in ones attitude
concerning the will of god

desire is a rat fink
desire distorts the most sincere piety
desire infects man with spiritual pretense
desire
to be free of desire
and to be compelled to be free of desire
this amazes


and here again it is possible
to connect cioran with that
experience and the descriptions of it
handed down by "mystics" of the
terrible state of darkness of no thought
no feeling no knowledge of god
as somehow necessary for
what the heart truly seeks

to know oneself as mere bone
is to know oneself

i disagree
i digress

i will agree with the pain that results from desire
but i will hold out for what i know
and i would not have it any other way
i am grateful for the dead ends
i am grateful for the heartache
i am grateful for the discomfort
i am grateful for the scars

today i desire less
but i still would not hand over my
inclination to desire
perhaps this is why i look askance
at spiritual training of any kind
i am still a bit fascinated with my
need with my desire
despite all i know about it
its' only going to bring me trouble
i will speak of it until my dying breath
and i rather doubt it will be
anything but carnal