the epistemology of friendship

philosophers and poets
have for ever treated the fundamental
social relationship known as friendship

aristotle posits three degrees of friendship
friendship of pleasure
friendship of uselfulness
friendship of virtue and character

this seems quite logical
children develop friendships based on
the fun they may or may not be having
and sometimes these friendships can be
characterized between say
a little girl and a doll
or the friendship of affection with an animal
a cat or a dog

and aristotle knew that within the
socially appropriated arrangements of
work and public activity
relationships grow up which are defined
by shared tasks
it is not uncommon for men and women who work
in the same place to gather together and drink and laugh
after the workday
and take part together in things like picnics or
golfing excursions

these relationships may have little to do with
deeper understandings of
a persons' mind and heart

neighbors can be friendly
yet they serve only the purpose of shared
geography and perhaps sufficient goodwill
for a sense of security in a place

in the 20th century there developed out of existentialism
a philosophical track known generally as
personalism
and this was pursued by emmanuel levinas
max scheler and martin buber to name a few
karol wojtyla (john paul II) utilized this manner of thinking
in his great work THE ACTING PERSON

one of the fundamental tenets of personalism
is the recognition of the "other" as a groundwork
for self knowledge

plato and his interpreters seem to have taken the notion of
friendship and moved it to a situation calling for
an idealised practice
thus
platonic relationships
where all manner of human physical demand
be it erotic or otherwise
is subsumed under the shared ideal of
intellectual sublimation in pursuit of perfect virtue
at various times in history most recently perhaps the
victorian age
there has been this tendency to idealize
the relationships between man and woman particularly
and seek to exist in common with the common purpose
of transcending the tendency for physical dependence
in favor of a higher order of relationship

for the purpose of thinking about friendship these
philosophical categories can prove useful
and perhaps they indicate very logically
what most people experience in social human connections

yet
there is another level of friendship
and discussion of the fact of friendship
which transcends these cognitive principles

what does it mean to be
A FRIEND IN CHRIST??

Jesus appears to have raised the stakes
in the gospel accounts of friendship
i will not seek out quotes or immediate references
to substantiate this claim
(the prophetic preaching account in the gospel
of john chapters 15-18..gives a complete depiction
of jesus expectations)
but let it suffice to say
that when taken in it's entirety
the gospel imperative for friendship
"sacralizes" the natural connection
between human beings

in his admonitions to his disciples
particularly in the context of the last supper
and the passion death and resurrection accounts
Jesus is directing his followers into something
that amounts to a new kind of friendship
this is not a philosophy of relationship
rather it is a lived expectation to follow an example

to acknowledge friendship in Christ is to accept
the imperative of sacrifice
a willingness to humbly allow for "holiness"
to enter into the natural exchange of humans
one to another

it may be said then that to apply jesus'
teaching to human interaction
is to lend a sense of holiness to the most
pedestrian of relationships
the commands as articualted in the beatitudes
suggest to the heart of the hearer
that every human being is to be understood
as one made in the image and likeness of god
and therefor deserving a respect that transcends
social order or social category

to say
i am a friend of Jesus
or
Jesus is my friend
is to state something somewhat different
than
this is my nextdoor neighbor
this is someone who works in the same place as i
this is my lover
this is my soulmate with whom i have deep conversation
and the sharing of the hearts' and the intellects'
great natural desire

the fundamental point in Jesus teaching
draws the hearer of his words into the realization
that "i must be prepared to lay down my life for this
person
or these persons" regardless of how society views them
or regardless of how deep my personal friendship is

in community it is possible to live with people
with whom one is only tolerant
i live with monks with whom i do not talk much
we pray together
occasionally we eat together
there does not appear to be any lingering animosity
yet i do not know them in any terms that
might suggest intimacy of shared life
there are some monks with whom i share my deepest thoughts

in an older dispensation there was an explicit caution
presented to men and women in religious life
which stood against "particular firendships"
it was understood that friendship was something
to be lived and shared in a communal setting
two individuals spending too much time together
would be seen as a development with
negative potential...what would be the next step??
...i guess that was the unstated fear

it seems to me that what Jesus is calling his disciples to
in regard for this social arrangement in which he states-
"I call you my friends" and
"this i command you: love one another"
...is radical humility

this is not an idealization of relationship
but a command an admonition to know
a person in radical honesty
a person with a body a person with a mind
a person with a life experience
a person in his or her wholeness
and then a concommitant expectation
that this person is to be served
for no other purpose than
he or she is to be dedicated to life with god

in the push and pull of human thoughts and
emotions regarding love and the need to find it
Jesus' words can seem more challenging than
consoling
it would seem a lot easier to simply give oneself
over to wholehearted love of another person
and gain there whatever may accrue in human affairs
most all of us when confronted with the possibility of love
and friendship at least at some level
will tend to think in selfish terms

and it may be well to ask
is this possible?
is it a mere altruism or
is the expectation for love in the
context of radical humility
something that meets with
a natural potential in the human heart
or
does the appearance in history in this world
of the one known to us as
JESUS CHRIST
represent something completely new ?

it has been stated by more than one commentator
on the life and commands of Jesus
that it is this very selfsacrificing love
that brings the human heart to the
highest level of humanity we know

i think it is at least safe to say that
Jesus taken at his word establishes
friendship as the basic and essential
requirement and expectation for
living and working in the
KINGDOM of GOD

does Jesus present an unattainable ideal??
can i lay down my life in humility
for not just the people i love and naturally care about
but for those whom by some happenstance of life
and a strange convergence of individual paths
i am committed to even if i don't particularly know them
or care for them ?
am i still beholden to serve them with a spirit
of self sacrifice??

it is then to be understood
that yes
in friendship we come to know ourselves
a friend mirrors something in me that
reveals both familiarity and difference
i am not my friend
but she shows me something i need to know
about myself
and perhaps i do the same for her
and there is also the amazing thought that perhaps
in the mystery of friendship no other person could
bring about self -awareness in the way that one particular person
can for another

but even more importantly
i am given over to the thought
with the haunting sounds of Jesus' words-
am i willing to lay down my life
for the life of this person?
can i be humble and grateful
and willing to serve this person
as he or she moves in the direction
of fulfillment in god ?

our hearts it would seem
desire this kind of love

i may have to ponder this
more as a way of knowing