subjective epistemological follow-up

thinking more about friendship

an elucidation here might be of some value
how have i personally experienced friendship?

thus i will articulate in the comments that follow here
some of the characteristics of friendship
in my history of living in the world

my earliest awareness of friendship
was determined within my family
my older brother Dan and i were
virtually inseparable on the social front
until he went off to prepschool at the age
of 13
i was 12
we remained friends but his life verged off and away
and the relationship was marked by only
some subsequent efforts at my trying to
know and understand him again as my friend and brother
in my early days in the monastery
we had a habit that seemed to happen
twice or 3 times a year
of talking on the phone for 1 or 2 hours
and my recollection of that is:
these conversations were consoling
and the intensity of care seemed to carry me for days
he died in 2002

the friends from childhood
i still remember the names of friends
i had in bismarck north dakotah
my family lived there until i was 7
for five years
the names have remained
but the persons have faded in the distance
of time
when i was a freshman in college i was stopped
by a fellow student who asked me
if i had lived in bismarck
it turned out that we had been
in kindergarden and 1st and 2nd grade together
and he remembered me
he only went to college here for one year
that experience at least tends to make me think
the individual character of people is discernible
through time
we know persons even despite growth and physical change

when i turned 50 my family threw a little party for me
in montana and a woman appeared
whom i met in 5th grade
she stood out as the friend i've known for the
longest time
we were 10 or so when we were lumped together
in a catholic school in helena MT
on one occasion when i was passing through
bozeman some 20 yrs ago i stopped to see her
and since then our friendship has grown
and it seems i cannot go back to montana
without stopping to see her and speak and smile
and share meals with her and her husband and son

5 friends from the gang i hung out with
in junior high school arrived
and they all remain friends in an interesting way
what i enjoy about being with these guys
is the immediacy of recognition and acceptance
despite time and distance when we are together
there are no hurdles of reacquaintance
and our conversations do allow
for some rather deep explorations
into the mysteries and trials of life
we have shared our joys and tragedies

in 9th grade i became friends with 2 guys
who remain near and dear to my heart
they both live in seattle
we don't talk all that much any more
but when we do it is obvious that
whatever was forged in friendship in those
years of formation in the ranks of adolescent trials
it proves to be something rather durable

let me focus on women
the girlfriend phenomenon is interesting to me
it seems that the women with whom
i experienced the experiments of intimacy
while in adolescence and into the years of young adulthood
have fallen away from my life focus
i still think of them
in some way my heart still pines for them
i still bear in my soul the memory of joy
and sadness that only these attempts at love
can bring about
however the nature of the involvement seems to
militate against the possibility of continued friendship
for to know someone intimately
to have kissed and felt the flesh of another
is in effect to have entered into that place
that allows for only the security of
marriage
or a life of superficial exchange and delusion
in a drama of sexual mayhem
i can say i loved these women
whom even as i write
emerge in my imagination and memory
the trajectory of our lives
more perhaps given to 3 dimensional articulation
thus allowing for divergence within the parameters
of the universe at large
gave way to the natural tendencies of time and space
they each of them are still
still vivid in my being
if there is sadness associated with the memory
it is the sadness of not being able somehow
to establish the trust of friendship
a trust that endures through time and circumstance

it is a distinct pleasure for me
that today i can say
i know women and the luxury of being
intimate on intellectual and spiritual levels
with a few women
it is a gift invaluable to know in my heart
that i have recourse to the smiles and thoughts
and emotions and in truth
the essential expression of life presented to me
in the friendship i have with women
thank god

some friends have fallen away
i recollect with some pain
a friendship which began in highschool
a friendship which carried with it
all the attributes of longevity
of lives shared in trial and in joy
and in the knowledge of temperament
and interests
---this friendship in question reached a point
where it became apparent that
there was no longer a basis for continuity
the thing ended with a phone conversation
after the national tragedy of 9/11
i was expressing discontent indeed some real
moral trepidation about being an american
in the atmosphere of ensuing war
it was his judgement then that i was
far too liberal in my attitudes
his last words over the phone before the
fateful CLICK:
"you're nothing but a fucking liberal coward"
this has neither changed nor bolstered my political views
it simply stands out as a sad moment
and in the wake of this event i have had to
reconsider what is meant by friendship

i have another friend who
was a significant source of consolation
while i was a sophomore in college
we have remained good friends to this day
he acknowledges that i am politically to the left
of his position in american affairs
and that even as i stand in the midst of church politics
i inhabit a place which is something to the left
of his stance
yet we can be together as friends
we can share meals and conversation
there is a spirit of mutual forgiveness
something in friendship must transcend
political and social attitudes

i will bring to a close this discourse
with mention of my father:
in recent years
mostly since his retirement from medical practice
we have become very good friends
when i visit we are given to taking long walks
although now his strength is limiting this
but we can sit and talk for a few hours
and it seems as nothing
it seems as natural as breathing the same air
and i have taken great delight in the weekly
phone conversations over the past few years
our common interests are the family
people we know in common the catholic church
his status as father in my awareness will always be there
and it is a matter of profound respect
in so far as i am not a father
i must only imagine the extraordinary mental
physical and psychological demands placed upon
a person who dares to bring 9 new human beings into the world
and
ultimately i realize
my knowledge of myself is intricately tied up
with my knowledge of this man
and it is more than simply a matter
of genetic contribution
i have glimpses now into the genuine character
of my father and it is cause for fascination
and gratitude

i wish i could say something to compare with this
about my mother
i live with the painful fact
that my mother is temperamentally incapable
of friendship
i will leave it to say that i have a similar
position of insight into her life
and it is one that is tinged with deep sadness
and marked now by a shared incapacity
to acknowledge friendship
at least with one another
c'est la vie

perhaps as i continue
this more personal exposition
of knowledge within the context
of friendship
i will state more clearly what is meant
to live in this world
and be able to say to oneself
i am blessed with friends